Yesterday, Apple announced their new device, the iPad. Since it runs the iPod operating system, it's easiest to think of it as a gigantic iPod Touch.

Frankly, I'm a little disappointed. I was hoping for gaze tracking. But it's not just the lack of "new" that bothers me; it's that I have to carry around yet another device. What in the world would compel me to carry more junk, when I just got my PDA and cell phone combined? And how would I carry it, anyway? Over-the-shoulder strap with the iPad on my hip? Fanny belt?

It's not all bad, of course. I like the idea of a full-color eBook reader that can embed video. I'm not willing to pay $15 when I can get a paperback for $7, though. But it could be extremely useful for textbooks. I'd feel better with my daughter carrying a single iPad instead of a 50 pound backpack.

It could also be very useful for doctors. A doctor could take notes and pictures on an iPad. (Of course, I'm assuming Apple realizes their mistake and adds a camera.) These would be immediately available to the reception desk, eliminating a good deal of waiting that normally occurs while papers are shuffled around. Better yet, the iPad could provide augmented reality. For instance, by holding it up to your arm, the doctor could see the x-ray she just took overlaid on top.

In fact, augmented reality would be a great application for the iPad. Mechanics could get step-by-step instructions, and what that part looks like under all the filth. Inspectors could have pictures of the last visit to compare against. Heck, you're carrying around a window; use it to find product recommendations, directions, even imaginary portals into other realities.

I'd develop an alien detector. When you hold it up to somebody, you get a picture of their true appearance, like the glasses from They Live. You could see a normal human, a Gray, or an Obey zombie. Other iPads are immediately recognized as normal humans.

You can only imagine the horror I went through to create this image. I work hard for you people.

Better yet, let's work on that fanny belt idea. You strap the iPad on, and its built-in accelerometer detects its position. It presents the celebrity derrière of your choice, moving in sync to your stride.

For men, you can move the iPad around to the front. Free version only provides a censor bar up to 4 inches long. Paid version allows for unlimited length, and provides pixelation for more realistic movement.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the pinnacle of modern civilization; a new twist on old classics such as the codpiece and the bustle; for your edification and enlightenment: the iLoin.

Maybe there's a reason Apple didn't include a camera!